it definitely should be illegal for past relationship feelings to re-surface.
that & someone has to start magically healing me and getting my ass to school...
i cant believe something i thought about years ago is actually happening...
its not even like im gonna be all emo and start saying 'sigh my life sucks' and all that pathetic shit.
im just kinda in shock that things are working this way.
junior year and all this bullshit shoots at me.
my room looks amazing, ill tell ya that much..
all except one area, which i can never seem to fix...
i gotta somehow fix this whole mess, but i honestly dont know how..
since i dont know my feelings for any of it..
if i knew any more than i do right now then everything would be fine.
therapy doesnt work, not at all..
i wish it did, but im ashamed to tell her ive failed at so many things because i know she has so much faith in me and is 'so impressed' on how i turned out based on my experiences.
im fake living this 'reality show' of a life she's made for me.
now all i gotta do is get to school and say fuck the world and everyone stopping me.
i dont even talk to anyone this year.
i really should get up there for the 'fall drama' if this was me before last march i would have broken a leg to get up there in time.
once upon a time i gave a shit...
about everyone i just cant cope with now..
getting through day by day is gonna be harder than i thought it was gonna be..
im trying to set myself up for a week of focus and starting over.
see, the problem is--im always helping everyone but myself with so many other problems.. and i honestly DONT care about how i feel.. or i didn't-once upon a time.
i know everyone up there has been so proud of me for letting it all go, but maybe the truth is that i didn't.
greg just gets aggressive and angry if i try to talk to him about it..
that makes it worse because i need to talk to HIM about it. all we do is get into fights about it, until i say fuck it and the conversation ends with a re-assurance.
i havent talked to amber at all lately.. and i texted her this morning with a bitter attitude but i ended up shooting that thought of being mad at her.. because i figure shes got something going for her lately, and just because i dont doesnt mean i have the right to rain on her life.
i may not like any of the circumstances im in, but i cant even get through them with reason, i end up having some type of emotional problem with them because of the fucking disorders.
i feel like i need medication, but no one will it to me because im so fucking 'well adjusted'.
im willing to devote myself so much to greg....
and when i finally had the guts to tell adam to step the fuck back from me, i find out that he was about to live out to a promise he made to some girl 3 years ago..
and we'd talk about it all the time, and i can honestly tell you from week one of being with him, that's what we'd think of.. and for me to say 'FUCK YOU AND EVERYTHING YOU'VE DONE TO ME' just at that moment he was going to tell that older version of said girl that her aspirations of that day were up for debate of occurring.
i havent felt so horrible with everything else that happened to me all at once...that all i could do was cry.
on top of everything else, i pull something like that.. and no matter how much FUCKING PAIN i went through for YEARS i had the heart to stop myself.
we need to be friends, him & i. because we'll just lose our minds if we dont settlte these feelings. ive tried every type of avoidence but it ended up in more pain than i intended, for the both of us.
its hard for ANYONE BUT MYSELF to understand any of this because of every little thing that every single day brought for so long.
moving on was one thing..
this is me trying to live with it.

I missed another Dead Exit show...
my mom feels kinda bad she didn't take me, but im still upset because I always let greg down.
SO i made it up to him but i wont tell you what i got him just in case he reads this before i see him [tomorrow]..
I hope he'll like it, and if not then whatevv.
I got a new phone [finally]. Say goodbye to the hot pink duct taped one that was held together by nothing and opened whenev it felt like itt.
Amber came down on Wednesday and Greg had a show then too [missed it, of course].
I saw my old friend danielle and i love her and missed her a whole lot. so much in fact we were out there talking for like 7 hours and i didnt eat a bite till like 8 that night.
greg's still at the show but i just cant wait till he gets home...im supposed to see him tomorrow.
now i should be doing a laundry but eddie got to it first...and im pissed because i havent done a laundry since before he broke it, like 2 weeks ago. and he got laundry out of that time, i didn't.
whatever he can be such a stubborn little fuck...
he leaves next week though, so i wanna spend as much time with him as i can..:/
this summer was kinda upsetting for me because i dont fucking want it to end at all...
ive got an appointment to talk on monday, and its my first one all of august and since most of the end of july...lucky me.
i dragged greg to a family thing on sunday..and i hate my "cousin" still.
hope he rots in his house with his parents for the rest of his 25 year old and beyond fucking life.
saw mad people the other day..and its really bad that i cant remember what day it was...shit...........it wasnt yesterday...ugh omg..and monday was my anniversary..i was at the mall..tuesday maybe? wednesday amber came...and yesterday? i was with my mom. yes definitely tuesday then.
wow, that's been like my entire summer ---second guessing everything.
gotta return something to the mall...hopefully by this weekend,UGH.
sup with you?....
let me get on this laundry thing before i lose it..

The week has been a week...
Not too bad, and Ive been seeing Greg like everyday [yay?].
Lots of cleaning that me and me alone has to do since my brother likes to pretend that he doesn't know how to wash the dishes, vacuum etc.
Nah. but he's got work so whatevv.
missing amberrrr. she never camee.:(
The play upstate is this weekend but Lola can't go...
not unless she goes next week which isn't look too peachy either.
Now im monitoring said 20year old brother and making sure he doesn't miss work..
And Im being a wonderful sister and making lunch for him EVEN THOUGH his XGF called this morning at 8:02!! ...twice.
Whatever, i love her but damn, i was fuckin tired.
Besides that Im pissed that the summer is almost over..and a bit mad that there's another freakin Dead Exit show on the one day all summer I need Greg to stay HERE. worse than it being on the anniversary..bleh
he keeps saying he just won't go but I doubt a metal band is gonna function without the bass..
stupid band, never liked them anyway.
Ok Ok Im procrastinating..let me wake up Eddie.

What upp.

In other, less important news.. my 'vacation' away from parents starts this Sunday and progresses for a week. Ambarr might be coming down to see me so we can have wild keg parties all night with Greg.
Ew, those last two words killed it..ok let's try again..
So we can have wild keg parties all night  ...
As of this very moment Im debating whether or not I should go to ...the dollar store. ooh yeah I know, amazing.
Ive got therapy in like 2 hours so there's nothing really else I can do with my life.
the boyfriend is probably makin me a jacket, shitt thats what I gotta do.
Anyway its a pointless updateless post..
Just for clarification that Im alive.

if we can find the right typa cat we might get one.

there. that's news.

what about you? bet you aint gettin no cat.ha

Went to Dead Exit show & DE doesn't play, cops came twice, hence the lack of playing.
Yestaday was my anniversary but I didnt really caree, took the bus home with the boyfriend and got back a little before 11.
Then I decide to be stupid & stay up late.
Wanna see Amb real bad, hopefully when the parents go away or something.
Tomorrow I might go to the mall with Mel Mel & my brother who's finally home from that camp trip in Ohio.
Stuff's ok I guess, Im just tired..
Now I gotta go to my boyfriend's house and spend time with him because we didn't really yesterday. It was basically me and his friend Jordan hangin out.
I saw Patrick but we didn't really talk it was just kind of a smile and whatev talk came up. Which Jordan found funny because he said he was "shy".
Ive got nothing to really bitch about except this huge urge to curl back up into bed...ah and I guess my anxiety which acted up yesterday..
I was fine when the cops come, but when everyone is peaceful and unloading the cars I freak out hahaha.
Mom freaked on accounta last minute i said oh yeah 'his dad's not driving us, jordan is'. So she curses up a fucking storm saying "who the fuck is he? and I swear to god ill rip his fucking lungs out.." yadda yadda. but Jordan was actually nice to my mom and said hey. AH well thoughh. Im alive and that's all that counts.
Alive with a free demo & a patch..oh yeah and a button..from those..guys...who got cut off from the cops. hahah the idiot says INTO THE MIC 'just wait till the cops leave and we'll go on'
can you say asshole??

whats up with you?